Wednesday, August 24, 2005

 

My Keys, Wallet, oh and My Smokes

Inmate Parker an old school inmate came in last night. He has been in and out of the county jail since I started working with the Sheriff’s Office. I haven’t seen him for a couple of years. When he saw me he had the look of dammit its The Glorified Jailer. Inmate Parker was not happy to see me because I knew his past. He was hoping for some new Deputies that would not recognize him. And what is his past you may wonder? Inmate Parker packs his rectum with tobacco. Whenever Inmate Parker has a warrant out for his arrest or thinks he my be arrested he will pack his rectum with balloons filled with tobacco that he plans to sell within the detention center. The reason he packs tobacco and not anothor form of drug is because my department handles tobacco in house with lockdown time. We will charge Inmates that bring in Drugs.

We found out about this several years ago after another inmate narced on him. The inmate had just smoke a freshly rolled smoke, and then found out it came out of Inmate Parker's ass. He was so pissed that he informed us on Inmate Parker and his whole plan. The inmate stated that he didn’t smoke anything out of another man's ass.

So, Inmate Parker was placed into a holding cell with the water off and a deputy watching him until he had a movement and the smokes came out. He had only one balloon that time. He had all ready “smoked out” i.e. smoke and sold the tobacco. Another time, we caught him early by placing him in his housing cell and watching him without his knowledge. Inmate Parker produced eighteen balloons out of his rectum and then placed them in the cell trashcan. He was surprised when we opened the cell and took his stash from him.

This time, Inmate Parker produced three golf-ball sized tobacco mounds wrapped tightly in plastic wrap. So, I made a deal with him - just give them up and no lock-down.

My first time coming across cigarette contraband was sort of a trial by fire. I was walking rounds and saw a new inmate trying to light up a freshly rolled cigarette. I opened the cell door and confiscated the tobacco in a small potato chip bag and the lighter. I took the contraband to the officer’s station and started to write up the tickets. Then I smelled something... well, lets say...crap. I looked at the chip bag and noticed crap. Now, today I would have realized that to get contraband into the housing area you have to go through a strip search, so it had to come out of the rectum. I would've gloved up if I knew. Needless to say I went through a complete jug of alcohol gel and washed my hands over and over and sprayed down everything about a million times.

Update: Welcome Farkers come in and look around. Just a reminder “for some” it’s just a dopey Blog.

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